This just in: Being Born Alive Linked to Death

Hyrum - Recently released studies reveal that 100% of deaths of humans of any age have occurred after being born alive. While some nearly 7 billion cases of humans being born alive and not dying are claimed to exist, experts expect the number of humans dying after having been born to rise. These recent revelations have raised speculation as to cause.

Studies currently underway report evidence of correlations between recent medical applications of birthing and death. "The more advanced our medical technology becomes, the more examples of death after birth we are finding," says one professional of high ranking. "Take for instance, Addis Abbaba where only 37,500 people die per year compared to nearly 300,000 in the USA."

"It's clear that because of America's advanced technology more people are dying every year," said a well-respected member of America's leading research team. "In Addis Ababa, most people are born at home on dirt floors whereas in America most people are born in hospitals. We find this cause for concern. Hell, without AIDS, we believe it possible no one would die in Addis Ababa."

While the numbers mount, skeptics scramble for alternative explanations. "We attribute much of this to America's willy-nilly and obscene usage of vaccination," said one expert at a book-signing event the day after his book The Fight To Stay Alive, a Vaccination Nightmare was published.

Other scientifically founded explanations for this phenomena currently under exploration include 'the Narrow-Birth-Canal Theory', 'the First-Breath Theory', and 'the Separation-From-Placenta Theory'.

Scientists are baffled but hopeful for the currently living 7 billion cases of people having been previously born. "We don't want to raise panic," claims another leading researcher of high acclaim. "We believe there is hope that each of these 7 billion cases might result in a death attributable to something other than being born. We also expect as we continue our research we can end these needless deaths."


Researchers with high-IQ's claim limits to research techniques have made it difficult to reveal deaths of people of all ages who were never born. They remain confident that with future techniques as yet undiscovered, confirmations of people dying who were never born will be made.